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To
Avoid Gambling Pain, Remember Your Driving Lane
by Andrew N.S. Glazer
Usually I like
to offer gambling tips based on the psychology of the individual and (un)common
sense, rather than mind-numbing mathematical analyses, and fortunately for the
mathematically-challenged, I’m sticking to form today.
Like most Californians
I’m highly dependent on my car to go anywhere, and like most Californians,
I face the prospect of heavy traffic anytime I’m on the road between 5
a.m. and 10 p.m. This means the only time I drive without traffic is when I’m
coming home from a poker game (which is the one time I wouldn’t mind it,
since I usually engage in a long post-game review of what I did right and what
I did wrong, and sitting in traffic is as good a place as any to do that).
So when it comes
to good times for traffic, I just can’t win. But today, as I was zigzagging
through (and swearing at) the usual collection of right-lane inconsiderate morons
slowing down to make their turns, and left-lane imbeciles who mostly drive fast
but who come to a complete stop occasionally to make a left turn (I mean, everyone
ELSE on the road is either an inconsiderate moron, an imbecile, or a part of
the human anatomy that I can’t mention in print, right?), I discovered
a parallel between my driving strategies and my gambling strategies.
What’s more,
I think examining this parallel will help recreational gamblers develop good
strategies for their own betting pace. So let’s shift out of this introductory
gear and drive a few points home.
To start, you need
to decide, are you a right lane driver or a left lane driver? (This applies
to 4-lane roads, that is, two lanes in each direction.)
On such roads,
the left lane usually moves very well, until some imbecile decides that he would
rather turn left and go home instead of missing his turn just so you can keep
going fast. The right lane never stops dead, but right lane drivers frequently
have to slow down for the inconsiderate morons who would rather slow to a safe
speed to make their right turn, instead of taking the turn on two wheels.
Most of us who
drive such roads have come, over time, to adopt a fairly consistent strategy,
and that strategy ties in directly to your gambling personality.
Those who favor
the left lane (we’ll call them Lefties) are the risk takers. They would
rather go fast, and are willing to take the risk that an imbecile might want
to turn. If an imbecile does appear, they’re willing to gamble that they
can sprint into the right lane and zoom past the trouble-making imbecile. If
the traffic flow of inconsiderate morons on the right doesn’t allow this,
the Lefties feel doubly unlucky.
Those who favor
the right lane, the Righties, prefer a steady pace. To them, slowing down occasionally
for an inconsiderate moron seems far better than risking a complete stop.
It shouldn’t
be too hard for the reader to identify himself/herself as a Lefty or a Righty.
Now let’s see what this means about your gambling.
If you’re
a Lefty, you crave fast action, and are willing to accept sudden disaster if
it means you have a better chance to win. That means you probably should be
playing a fast game like Craps, making both Pass Line bets and Come bets, so
the action keeps moving fast and furious.
Of course, the
problem with this Craps strategy, especially if you have a few Come bets going
also, is that one 7 brings you to a halt in a hurry, and you’re likely
to consider the shooter something a lot worse than an imbecile. The 7 will also
enable you to enjoy that "the Universe is out to get me" feeling that
Lefties embrace whenever an imbecile impedes their progress.
If you’re
a Lefty and a slot player, you should probably stick to progressive slot machines
(and of course, all this lefty/righty silliness aside, you should make sure
the machine you pick has been building up for a long while; playing one that
has just been hit is the slot equivalent of driving with your eyes closed).
Progressive machines are best for people looking for that home run of a big
jackpot, the possibility, however unlikely, that they can make the whole trip
without a single imbecile slowing them down.
The problem with
progressive machines isn’t all that dissimilar to the problem with the
left lane. Yes, the payoff is bigger, just as the left lane is faster, but the
odds on actually hitting the jackpot are very bad. Most of the time, you’ll
wind up losing more by playing progressive machines.
Of course, the
Lefty personality isn’t well-suited to slots, because the action is too
steady. If you are a Lefty slot player, my guess is you’d prefer one hour
of action on a dollar machine to four hours of action on a quarter machine.
Roughly the same expected result, but the risks and rewards are greater during
this shorter drive.
Righties, of course,
should stick to non-progressive machines. You won’t get rich on one, but
you’ll get more frequent positive reinforcement, and make steadier progress.
For Roulette players
(and please note I don’t advocate Roulette to anyone, except perhaps an
imbecile or inconsiderate moron who slows down my drive; the house edge is too
great), the choice is easy. Righties should play Red or Black, or the 1-18,
19-36 bets. They pay at even money and you’ll make that steady (losing)
progress you like. Lefties should bet the individual numbers, with their 35-1
home run potential.
Poker, unless you
enjoy losing, is a game for Righties. Good poker play requires discipline and
the willingness to fold a lot of hands. Someone who wants to go top speed all
the time, and who curses his/her bad luck when that approach doesn’t work,
will almost certainly be a losing player. Limit poker is a game of steady progress,
of not trying to set a speed or winnings record every trip.
(The very best
poker players vary their speeds and styles, sometimes seeming like Lefties and
sometimes like Righties, but until you’ve mastered one style I would hesitate
to recommend trying two.)
Keno and the Money
Wheel are games for masochistic Lefties. The house edge enjoys an immense edge
and both Righties and Lefties will get slaughtered quickly. The masochistic
Lefty will get to enjoy cursing his/her bad luck. If that description doesn’t
fit you, stay away.
What about the
casino veteran’s favorite game, blackjack? This game works pretty well
for both groups. The action is fast, yet you can make steady progress. As with
slots, Lefties will probably enjoy playing for shorter periods for higher stakes,
and Righties will enjoy longer sessions at lower stakes. Lefties can also try
playing two or three spots simultaneously, although (as with high stakes action),
a hot dealer can turn your session into jack-knifed tractor-trailer accident.
Baccarat, another
of the best casino games (it isn’t beatable by counting systems but the
house edge is quite small unless you bet the tie bet, which will slaughter you),
is more of a Righty game, because of the steady pace. Lefties, though, can enjoy
that thrill of the last card deciding the hand, and the game is so much less
unfavorable than most other casino games, odds-wise, that I hesitate to warn
Lefties away from it.
Well, I think you’re
starting to get the point. If you understand your own unique personality, you’ll
have a much better chance to select a game that gives you maximum enjoyment
for your gambling dollar, and for everyone except blackjack card counters and
poker pros, maximum enjoyment for your gambling dollar is the only realistic
long-term goal. A winning trip every now and then is certainly a realistic long-term
goal, but every time? No.
Anyone who visits
casinos regularly, playing house advantage games because they expect to win
(as opposed to wanting to win but being willing to accept the thrill of the
competition as a reasonable return on his/her investment)… well, if I saw
you on the road, you’d no doubt either be stopped to turn left, or slowing
down to 5 m.p.h. to make your right turn, and I’d know what to call you.
Even if you do
currently fall into the "expect to win" category, I won’t call
you one of those names here, because if you’re smart enough to be trying
to learn more about how to gamble smarter, you are most definitely NOT a moron
or an imbecile. At worst, you’re inexperienced… and EVERYONE starts
out inexperienced; it’s no crime. If you’re reading this, and/or other
good gambling educational material, you won’t be inexperienced for long.
Just do me one
favor, OK?
The next time you
go to Vegas, fly.
************************
Andrew N. S. Glazer
is a blackjack, backgammon and poker professional who teaches gambling seminars
nationally for Casino Conquests International, LLC. His latest book, Casino
Gambling the Smart Way, is available at most bookstores, through the CCI
website at www.casinoconquests.com,
or by calling 888-ODDS-WIN.
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